


The Adventures of WonderBoy and House

by Paint Me a Symphony (youngerdrgrey)



Series: 1000 Theme Challenge [10]
Category: House M.D.
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-19
Updated: 2008-12-26
Packaged: 2017-12-15 15:44:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/851264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngerdrgrey/pseuds/Paint%20Me%20a%20Symphony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since you couldn't capture all of their awesomeness with a comic book, we have these oneshots. House/Wilson friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fight

**Author's Note:**

> (#264 of the 1000 Theme Challenge, "Fight")

"House!"

"Uhhh."

"Hey, don't you walk away from me! What is this I hear about you and your patient's father?"

"Cool off, Wilson. You almost sound like Cuddy."

"Forgive me for sounding parental when talking to someone with the mental capacity of a seven-year-old!"

"I didn't do it, Pa. I swear, I didn't."

"Then why do you have a black eye?"

"My liver's shot?"

"I'm a doctor, House. I know what happens when your liver fails."

"Damn, and I was so hoping that your credential was as fake as Cameron's hair color."

"Fighting, really, House? What are you, five?"

"Not my mother, Wilson. No need to talk to me about the importance of being nice to the other kids on the playground."

"What did you do this time?"

"Nothing!"

"House…"

"Well, I may have mentioned that his kid's screwed up mental state had more to do with his shitty parenting than the disease-"

"House!"

"And, I may have also insulted his girlfriend, confusing her for a prostitute-"

"You cannot be seri-"

" _And_  he just might have overhead me saying that while we should be focusing I've been hiding from Cuddy, Thirteen has been getting high, and Kutner has been being, well, Kutner."

"Where would he overhear that conversation?"

"Outside his son's room."

"You never cease to amaze me, House."

"Thank you, Jimmy."

"That was not a compliment."

"Sounded like one."

"It wasn't. You can't just go around fighting with people."

"I'll try not to."

"Now, come on, let's get you some ice and concealer before Cuddy catches sight of that shiner."

" _You_  have concealer?"

"No, but Cameron does. I believe you guys have about the same complexion."

"The fact that you want to talk about my complexion creeps me out."

"Does it creep you out as much as the notion of Cuddy harshing over your inability to function civilly with the patient's dad whilst bringing up your feelings and the kiss?"

"Nooo."

"Then come on."

"Fine, fine, fine."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Well, aren't you going to ask?"

"Ask what?"

"Who won the fight!"

"…"

"…"

"Fine. Who won the ridiculously, childish fight, Dr. House?"

"The ridiculously, amazing crippled doctor, Dr. Wilson."

"Gasp!"

"Was that a sarcastic, theatrical outburst?"

"Is there another kind?"

"Not that I know of."

"Then obviously it is."

"Don't make me fight you too."

"I can outrun you, in case you forgot."

"Not if I trip you with my cane, or use my killer left hook. You can ask Chase, it's a knock out."

"Wow, you almost sound proud that you punched Chase."

"Why wouldn't I be? He was such a kiss ass."

"He agreed with you."

"In a very kiss-assy way."

"You're just mad because he went behind your back with Vogler."

"I am not that petty. If I was, I would still be pissed about you selling me out to Tritter, or frustrated at Cameron for tricking me into that date, or infuriated with Cuddy for letting Stacy chop out my thigh muscle."

"But you are infuriated with Cuddy for the last one, from which I can only deduce that you are the same way about the first two."

"That would be a good deduction."

"I'm sorry about Tritter, House."

"Don't care."

"I'm pretty sure Cameron has gotten passed the date."

"As she should be."

"Cuddy is probably still feeling guilty."

"Which works in my favor."

"I-I'm going to hug you now."

"Do it and I'll cane you."

"…-OW!"

"I told you it was coming."

"Just like Cuddy then."

"Was that in a sexual sense, or a literal sense?"

"Turn around and you'll find out."

"Aw, damn. Quick, hide me!"

"Are you afraid of the big, bad administrator?"

"Shush up, or I tell her about the naughty dream you had about her."

"I had no such dream."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes!"

"…"

"Maybe…"

"…"

"Okay, I'm going quiet."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"She's gone."

"Phew. For a second I thought she would stop and I would have to make up a dream."

"I thought you said that you-"

"I lied, Jimmy."

"House, I'm giving you a ten second head start."

"But, I'm crippled."

"Nine…"

"Jimmy, this isn't fair."

"Seven…"

"I just want you to know then."

"Five…"

"Cuddy…"

"Four…"

"Doesn't…"

"Three…"

"Wear underwear on Sundays!"

"W-what?"

"Ha, ha, ha!"

"I'm going to kill you, House!"

"Gotta catch me first!"

"Don't get in that elevator! House, stop! House! Uhhh!"


	2. Gamble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (#298 of the 1000 Theme Challenge, "Gamble")

" _Caa, ooh, caa, ooh, James, I am your father_."

"No, you aren't, House."

_"Ooh, who is this House_?"

"House, is there a reason you called me?"

" _Yes!"_

"Can you stop with the annoying voice?"

"You're using your Bluetooth, aren't you?"

"Why?"

"Because, I could help you win."

"I'm not going to cheat at a hospital fundraiser, House."

"Why not? You did last time."

"Last time was a fluke in my judgment."

"Then fluke again! Come on, we have the perfect set-up. Bluetooths, drunken Cuddy, me behind a one-way mirror right behind your opponents; it's perfect!"

"Wait, you can see us?"

"Yeah. You're scratching your hand nervously right now while unconsciously fixing your hair because you have the idea that someone is watching you."

"…"

"So, you in?"

"What would I have to give you?"

"Half your profits."

"I'm supposed to donate them at the end."

"Hell no! You donate your half. I use my half to buy a new TV."

"Won't they know something is up if I win all the games?"

"They'll only notice if you keep putting your hand to your ear after you finish talking…. Good boy. Now keep your eyes on the cards."

"I feel dirty."

"I'm not whispering sweet nothings or descriptive phone sex terminology. I'm just staring at cards. If it makes you feel better, I will only tell you what you should do."

"It'll still make me feel awkward."

"I should have just called Cuddy. At least she would have the balls to keep going."

"I'm going to keep going!"

"Then focus, and raise. Cuddy is bluffing. Chase is pretty stacked, but not high enough to feel all mighty. Can't see Cameron's cards though, or Taub's. Kutner has a stupid grin on. He has good cards. Still, raise."

"I raise."

"I know that."

"I was telling the people at the table."

"Gotcha."

"Cuddy's folding."

"Yeah, she's a wimp. Can't take the heat."

"Cameron stays in."

"I can see the table, Wilson."

"Think of this as my narration."

"I'd rather think of it as nonexistent. People will know something's up if you keep narrating. You're not me. You can't pull that off."

"I can pull this earpiece off."

"That only really affects you. I'll just call someone else then."

"Okay, another round. What do I do, House?"

"Call. Kutner is still looking too stupid to back down. Raising would just be stupid."

"There."

"Good. Okay, next turn go all in."

"Why would I go all in?"

"It'll be worth it, I promise you. Your cards don't suck, right?"

"Second highest hand in the game."

"Good, good, good. Go all in. You'll beat Chase for sure then."

"Just let it get around to me again."

"Okay, I'll wait as patiently as a House man can."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Is it your turn yet?"

"You can see the board, House. Is it?"

"No."

"Then why ask me?"

"Silence is awkward."

"Since when have you minded awkward? You thrive on awkwardness."

"I thrive on other people's awkwardness. You should know this by now."

"Sorry, I forgot my list of things about House in my other pants."

"Are those the pants you gave to Amber, or the ones Julie stole a few years back?"

"I wear the pants in my relationships, House."

"Of course you do. Okay, go all in!"

"I'll go mostly in."

"I'll take what I can get. Now, wait for it. Wait for it."

"I don't see anything."

"Because you don't know where to look. I'm watching Cameron."

"Oh, so it's like when she worked for you then."

"Was that a crack at me?"

"Obviously."

"I never stared at Cameron."

"Yes, you did! You openly gaped at her at the fundraiser last year."

"Did you see her dress? You can't blame me. I'm a man. I have needs, Jimmy."

"Can we not talk about your needs please?"

"Why? Is it making you uncomfortable?"

"Yes, it is."

"Aww. Suck it up!"

"Meany."

"Did you just call me a-crap."

"Crap?"

"Crap! Did you see that?"

"See what?"

"…"

"House, see what?"

"She did it. Damn. Pull out now."

"What? Why? I put in all my chips except two, House."

"But, Wilson, she did the thing."

"What thing?"

"The thing with her eyes."

"You were watching her eyes?"

"Yes, let's all focus on that instead of the fact that she has a royal flush."

"She has a royal flush!"

"Shhh! Don't draw attention to yourself."

" _She has a royal flush?_ "

"Either that or the wombat is better in the sack than I guessed."

"…"

"What?"

"Only you would say something like that. I fold."

"I can tell."

"I was telling them!"

"Well, don't. They won't care if they don't get their-"

"Hey! She doesn't have a royal flush!"

"Guess the wombat's good at eye sex then. I always get those signals mixed up."

"She folded, House."

"It's a good thing you didn't go all in then, eh?"

"When this fundraiser is over, I'm going to kill you."

"It's not like it was that much money."

"House, it was five-thousand dollars!"

"Wouldn't be the first time I got that out of you!"

"You are so lucky I am a good man."

"Good men cheat on their wives?"

"Are you trying to make me come after you?"

"I was always a little masochistic. Strap me up to a chair and I'm yours for the taking!"

"Something is seriously wrong with you, House."

"But you love me anyway."

"Yeah, I do."

"You do?"

"…"

"Wilson?"

"…"

"What kind of love?"

"I don't want to talk about this right now, House."

"It better not be Chase-hair gel type love!"

"Would you be mad if it was?"

"…. Oh, wait, I get it. You're joking with me. Good one, Wilson…. Wilson? Wilson? Whoa, where'd you go? When'd you leave the table? Wilson? James? Jimmy? Okay, two people can play this game…. Hello? Cameron? Hey, want to win the next hand?"


	3. Beer Bottles in Lousiana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the steps of a New Orleans police station, James Wilson and Greg House have their first real chat. House/Wilson friendship

"Well, you could really say thanks,"

"Thank you,"

"Not like that! You don't know me. I could be some creepy child molester who only bailed you out so that I could touch you in your happy place,"

"I'm not a child, therefore, that makes no sense,"

"Or maybe it just doesn't make sense to little wonder… wonder…. What specialty are you in again?"

"Um, what?"

"Doctor specialty. Come on, tell me, you're ruining the moment here,"

"Oncology. I work with cancer patients,"

"Well, I know that! What kind of oncologist doesn't work with little bald kids? You're probably their hero. Throwing beer bottles through the glass windows of their rooms during treatments to let them escape from their confines,"

"I don't-wait, what? How'd you know about the beer bottle?"

"Really, convicts talk quickly. All I could hear was brawl, beer bottle, guy with a dorky pocket protector. I filled in the blanks,"

"That's refreshing, for once I wasn't the guy with the bushy eyebrows, or handsome ties,"

"I'm pretty sure you're making that up,"

"Why?"

"Because that tie is hideous. Did your mommy pick it out?"

"No, my wi-um, ex-wife bought it for me for my last birthday,"

"What did you do to piss her off?"

"Nothing! I actually like this tie,"

"Well, I hate it. Why so stiff? You've survived jail! Loosen up a little. I promise not to bite,"

"…"

"No, really, you're not my type. I prefer people whose genetic organs don't dangle,"

"…. You're Doctor House, aren't you?"

"Why yes I am! What gave it away? Was it my gorgeous blue eyes, or my nurturing personality?"

"Probably the three day old stubble and the self-confident grin,"

"If you were as brilliant as me, you'd grin too,"

"I'm pretty sure I wouldn't, House,"

"Hey, this isn't fair. I don't know your name, Wilson,"

"You just used it,"

"Yes, but that doesn't count. Introduce yourself,"

"But you already-"

"Speak, man, I gave you freedom,"

"…"

"Rolling your eyes, not a brilliant trait,"

"Nor is sarcasm, or frankness. Wilson, James Wilson, M.D,"

"No need to get showy, Jimmy,"

"I actually don't like being called-"

"Jimmy, you hungry?"

"A little,"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Well, aren't you going to ask why I asked?"

"I figured you'd tell me eventually,"

"Never figure, I'm too unpredictable for that,"

"Not really. I'm pretty sure the next thing out of your mouth will be sarcastic,"

"That's not true!"

"That sounded sarcastic to me,"

"And you look homosexual to me,"

"…"

"Oh, come on, what grown man wears a shirt with a pocket protector to a bar?"

"Wouldn't that be childish in that case?"

"No,"

"But you said grown man which gives the illusion that-"

"Don't care! Let's go eat,"

"I think I'm actually going to head in for now,"

"What? No! I just paid four hundred dollars for you, Jimmy. Five more minutes please,"

"Uhh…. I can pay you back, Doctor House,"

"Just House,"

"Yeah, okay. I appreciate you bailing me out, but I'd rather be a free man,"

"Is that why you've got an ex-wife?"

"Isn't that a personal question?"

"Yes. Yes, it is,"

"Wow, they were right about you. You are blunt,"

"And they were right about you, as well. Your eyes really are 'the most gorgeous shade of brown',"

"Who said that?"

"Your cellmate,"

"My cellmate was… uhh, never mind,"

"Can we go eat now?"

"I'm not going to eat with you, House,"

"Aww, but I've been a really good boy this year,"

"Somehow, I doubt that,"

"Yeah, me too. How about this, you buy lunch and I'll deduct it from your balance,"

"…. Fine,"

"Rueben, no pickles, with fries, lots of fries,"

"Am I a delivery service, or something? You're coming too,"

"I know. I was just telling you now. You might want to memorize it,"

"Why?"

"Because we've got another few days of this conference, Jimmy. You can't get rid of me that easy,"

"So I'm learning,"

"Are you always this sarcastic?"

"I think it's contagious,"

"Like stupidity?"

"Or narcissism,"

"Now, where did you get the idea I was narcissistic? Have you been talking to Cuddy?"

"Lisa Cuddy?"

"Or, Doctor Funbags. You heard of her, eh?"

"Heard of her, I had an interview with her last week…. Why are you smiling?"

"Looks like you'll have time to pay off your debt after all, Jimbo. Welcome to PPTH in advance,"

"W-what? How do you even know I got the job? You don't even know what I applied for,"

"Cuddy's a sap for pathetic neediness. You are so hired,"

"Should I take that as a compliment, or an insult?"

"A compliment of course!"

"Oh. Thank you… I guess,"

"You're welcome,"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Jimmy?"

"Yes?"

"I really do want my sandwich now,"

"You know, there's a bowling alley next to the sandwich shop down the block from the hotel. If I'm forced to spend time with you, we might as well go there,"

"Wilson?"

"Yes, House,"

"I love you,"

"…."

"Come on, say it back,"

"I-I don't even know you,"

"You know you love me already,"

"Right, House, I love you like the air I breathe,"

"I just knew you were one of those guys,"

"What guys?"

"…"

"House, what guys? House? House! Hey, wait for me!"


End file.
